Caring in Kirky & Kintyre

It’s five to nine on a Tuesday morning. The few dishes left over from Juan’s savoury rice last night are washed and the pancake batter made. Fiona the carer is helping Mum shower, her medication is on an orange plate so she can see it and the porridge is on. The washing that was steeping in a basin in the bath, under the shower seat, is in the machine. The new hens, with their coop we relocated from front garden yesterday (cos Jessica and Meela kept flying over the fencing) are safely inside fencing in the back garden—with the old hens, who have the free run of the garden, complaining about these incomers, and getting as good in return. I laughed at their antics with Tommy, the neighbour who looks after the flock when I’m away, while we were putting our bins out. Two eggs this morning so far, and hopefully seven more when they settle down. I give three to Fiona as she leaves.

Caring is so expected of a woman that no-one remarks on it, whereas a man gets praise—and some scorn. The 2021-22 Carers Census found 42,050 unpaid carers across Scotland, mostly women (73%), but the true number will be much more than that—as many carers don’t receive any local authority support. Often because they’re too exhausted with their duties to find out and apply for the support they’re entitled to. That’s why Care Information Scotland was set up and one of the services they advertise is South Kintyre Young Carers.

There are special challenges for carers in rural communities, far from shopping centres and sometimes outside of the mainland areas to which online companies are willing to deliver to, for free. Carers need time off, for our mental health and to focus on our own priorities, and in some situations the opportunity for that might be very limited—or nonexistent!

Juan, who’s been learning how to sail with me, and flies back to South America on Friday, asked me last night what I’d learned over these seven years as a carer. In fact this is my second time around, as for years I looked after my late father—who also lived with short term memory loss.

My answer is to focus on:

• the present moment
• practicality not perfection
• important tasks as well as urgent ones

Being able to say “sorry” (a lot!) to people around you is also an advantage. From talking too loudly, and too slowly, repeating yourself, giving unsolicited advice, hyper-alertness to risks and over-explaining, there are behaviours that carers develop that may be appropriate with their charges but independent adults can find very trying indeed. Fortunately, most folk are understanding and supportive—and some will even listen to your frustrations and understand that you have to destress. At least infrequently and for a short time, and buying them a coffee while you rant does help!

It also helps to remember that everyone, carers or not, has stuff going on and many people are quietly going through very difficult times indeed. No demographic group has a monopoly on suffering or vulnerability.

So, when I find a moment, especially in the early morning, I try to remember that we’re all in this together—and to reach out to the love that surpasses understanding and try to be a channel of that love. One of the reasons why I care is because I know I am cared for.

Electric votive light shining on small wooden icon of Christ the Pantacrator on kitchen table with white mug on a coaster beside, orange plate behind the fruit bowl, radiator at side, washing machine at the back and a blue adult bib over a chair.

(Photos & videos copyright the author may be used—unconnected to commerce and without transformation—with a link to this blogpost)

Promoted by Cath Evans of Freedom Alliance, 83 Ducie Street M1 2JQ

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